Legion Review

Wow. There are so many things wrong with Scott Stewart’s Legion that I don’t even know where to start. It seems like the confusion as to what exactly this movie is trying to convey or is about carries over even onto the DVD packaging. Yesterday, I was in Wal-mart and picked up a copy of the Blu-ray to check it out and read the synopsis and this is what it said:

“At a remote desert truck stop, the fate of the world will be decided. Evil’s armies are amassing. Armed and united by the Archangel Michael, a group of strangers become unwitting soldiers on the frontlines of the Apocalypse. Their mission: protect a waitress and her sacred unborn child from the relentless, bloody siege of the demonic legion.”

This description prompts me to my first issue. There are no demons to be found anywhere in this film. As a matter of fact, demons are mentioned I think once directly and the name Lucifer, Devil, or Satan never come up in any discussion. What?!? A movie about the Apocalypse and the Devil and demons don’t even play into it? There’s one major problem.

We are first introduced to Michael, the archangel, who has taken it upon himself to decide that God doesn’t know what he’s doing anymore and is going to do what’s “right” and what’s “best” for God whether He likes it or not. So he makes the decision to fall to Earth and lose his angelic powers, cuts off his wings, raids an artillery warehouse, blows a cross-shaped fiery hole in the side of the building to escape (which looks as cheesy as anything a Christian-made movie would come up with), blows away some cops (AFTER one of them becomes “possessed” by an angel, of course), and then drives off to save the world in a stolen cop car.

Of course the truck stop where Armageddon is going to happen is in a little desert town conveniently called Paradise Falls. The truck stop diner is full of the usual suspects. A rich couple and their spoiled daughter, the rugged owner who has lost faith, the wise old cook who believes in The Bible, a young concealed gun-wielding man on his way to fight for his kids in a custody battle, the rugged owner’s son who is in love with the pregnant waitress and wants to protect her, and the waitress that is carrying the hope of all mankind. We’re never told who this hope of all mankind is or what he will do. Is it Jesus being reborn like in The Omen series? Is it just some dude like John Connor who will grow up and “save” the world? This question is never answered.

Into the diner comes the token crazy old lady. She orders a rare steak (of course), flies are flying all around her (of course), and then after acting nice and asking questions about when the baby is due, starts raving and cursing about how the waitress’ baby is “going to f—ing burn, blah, blah, blah.” Then she freaks out and takes a bite out of the rich dude and commences to crawling up the diner walls like a spider. They FINALLY figure out something is wrong when the old cook throws a frying pan at her and it busts her face and knocks her over, but she doesn’t go down. Well, the only thing they can do now is blow sharp-fanged Grandma away with a handgun.

Then here comes Michael, just in time to explain to these poor people at the truckstop that Granny was “possessed” by an angel that has been sent to kill the baby by God, who wants to wipe out the human race again like He did with the Flood. Ahhhh…now I understand. The foul-mouthed, fang-toothed crazy lady is an angel, not a demon. Makes perfect sense, right? So then here comes the rest of God’s Assassins, driving to the diner in every sort of car, stationwagon, and ice cream truck. The Death Angels of God get out of their different vehicles and reveal to us that they are nothing more than a bunch of slow walking zombie types that can be stopped by being shot with a number of high powered rifles and such.

This again opens up another continuity problem with this movie. The powerful, manly and muscular Gabriel is the leader of the army of Angels who are coming to kill the child. He’s buff, he’s big, he’s brawny and strong. Michael is even stout and muscular and quite agile. When the angels are coming down from Heaven, they are seen flying in packs with their big black wings spread. But when they get to earth they have to take over regular men, women, and children’s bodies to fight. Huh? Gabriel stays in his “Angelic” form…so does Michael. What’s that all about?

Needless to say the film is a mess – both from a story and cinematic standpoint AND from a theological standpoint. We can all feel safe, though. After all, Michael finally gives God what He needs, instead of what He wants like Gabriel did. Bad Gabriel!

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